Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No subtext here. People are naked.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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