ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i love accidental penises.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
