why didn't you poke me back
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
