Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
