Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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