My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
