why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
