My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
