I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
