12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
