I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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