My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize