My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
