Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
