can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
