The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
