alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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