Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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