nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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