He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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