You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sorry about my life...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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