my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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