I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
