I cannot find my penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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