Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize