Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
