i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I want is dick and wine.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
