not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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