Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize