Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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