I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
