Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
