so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
