Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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