Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
