Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
