there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
