She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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