time to smoke my breakfast
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
