The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
