im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
