Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
