She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He felt like a one man threesome
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
