How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
