hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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