i already hear my dad disowning me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
