I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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