I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
