She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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