i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
