I will die if light touches me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
