I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
