No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
