two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
