3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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