I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize