I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
