Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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